Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Piss Ants, Part 5

To: G
From: Q

Oh, we’re so stylish. GQ, get it? Cuz someone sure likes to unload their bladder on this real estate. Gawd, this is getting old. What are our options, do we need to move away from this yard? I’m sick as shit of pee. Really, I’m ready to move.

Fix this general. The smell is like 100 times worse this time, as if there’s something in it that is pestilential, almost as bad as lawn mower fuel. Ugh.

To: The Queen
From: The General

I agree, My Liege, that the odor is horrifying. Unfortunately, the story gets worse and whatever was in this last batch of urine has resulted in zombie ants. Allow me to explain.

Following the last assault, we collected dead workers and soldiers from throughout our perimeter. Once the dead began to be consumed, behavioral changes in those eating became almost immediately apparent and they became dangerously psychotic within minutes. Singing, dancing and uncontrollable laughing soon gave way to attacks on one another as well as colony members who had yet to eat. In no time we had a bloody melee on our hands and were forced to kill colony members who had eaten their drowned brethren. At that point, a moratorium was placed on all fresh flesh and so, until we move, we’re a colony of vegetarians at risk of zombie civil war.

In fact, our perimeter is now littered with toxic corpses. The birds refuse to touch the dead, leaving scavenging beetles to run amok after taking a few bites of our fallen. Forward observers have reported that the beetles end up attacking other beetles and, whoever is left after that death match, runs out into the rocks as the sound of hideous beetle screams fade into the distance.

I am thinking that those stones where beetles go to confront their psychic demons could be where we’re safest. Yes, resources are scarcer, we’re more exposed, it’s hotter and the ground is as hard as rock but I see no reason why our pisser would wander out beyond the lawn.

To: General Packer
From: Queen Let’s Go

Start the process, General. I’ve got my girls on getting new workers and soldiers for you to help move the remaining unhatched workers and soldiers. I’m going to miss this place, we were living fat until getting stomped on by a fucking baby. I squeeze out a shit ton of babies and I fucking hate em’. They stink, they’re noisy, and they do stupid shit like this, stomping on people’s homes and then having someone drown them in pee. Trust me, if our colony found a way to plow on without having to rely on making babies, I’d sign right up.
So, let’s bounce, I’m so done with this place.