Here’s a list of things to do if you want to manifest someone in your life. My situation is different (I don’t know if you're even alive or fled to another country with your psychopathic 71-year-old husband or if you married Ted Salazar or if that was some ploy concocted by your psycho husband to change your names and abscond with a fat slab of ill-gotten gains, baking on some beach), I honestly don’t know what became of you after I said fuck off, I didn’t want anymore contact. As I say in my About Me, I totally fucked up with that and now I’m suffering the consequences.
Sometimes I wake up around 3 AM and feel as though I’m
drowning, my dreams going to the possibility that I’ll never find you and I’m
in defiance of that truth, I can’t breathe, it feels like an inescapable vortex
is sucking me into some dark void. I have to sit up, walk around, I can’t go
back to sleep with those thoughts because I’ll end up where I started.
So, I spent about fifty bucks on a (legit) “We’ll crawl the
internet for you” and came up with two phone numbers. I decided to text them
both, “Did you leave G and get remarried?” The whole Salazar thing had me really curious about where your path took you after I told you to fuck off and leave me alone.
The people who advocate for manifesting emphasize that you
can’t focus on the negative. That’s a tall order when it appears the person you’re
searching for has scrubbed every mention of her name from the internet.
I’m impressed but not surprised how well you accomplished that, aside from a few mentions by shitstain Bill Hudson and some photos of you with the Princeton women's rowing team, you don't exist.
There was always a paranoid-libertarian
streak to you (you gun-toting socialist) but it has confounded my attempts to
bring you back into my life. So, I've been reduced to debasing myself in tawdry corners of the internet, all so I can bring you back into my life.
I read that I have to work on my vibrations getting out there. What the “experts”
and other woo-woo gurus say, meditate, be mindful, take some walks when those 3
AM terrors snatch you out of bed by the throat. My problem is, it doesn’t seem
like I have time for any of that bullshit, sitting and clearing my mind,
walking around and looking really intensely at rocks. Needless to say, that
step is pretty tough considering my life-long adventure with ADHD.
Raise my level of joy. That’s kind of the way I’ve
approached the world my entire sybaritic life. The “experts’ (time to drop the unironic
quotation marks?) add that I should do things I enjoy. TBH, other than working
my bullshit job, all my time is spent doing things I enjoy since it’s
senseless to make almost anything you do an odious task. And, the affirmations part is easy, I have a nice smile and I sing
well. Gratitude is the last part of the joy formula and yeah, I’m grateful I
have a place to sit in at 3 AM and type all these thoughts out, if only because
it’s part of the process of manifesting Sheila back to me.
The other parts will have to be spilled out in later posts,
I guess… I’m too stoned and drunk to do it here and it’s three-fucking-AM. That's my joy as my foot pumps out the rhythm to The Who Eminence Front.