I'm still puzzling out your life since 2013 and feel no
wiser than when I first began. Short of actually manifesting you/us is the
therapeutic aspect of this endeavor—I no longer suffer from the paralyzing fear
of never finding you. Many times, I’d get caught up the loss of you and suffer
full-blown panic attacks, it felt as though I was suffocating, paralyzed, a
static particle frozen in spacetime while the universe rushed past me. For the
most part, those moments of fear and dread have left me.
This manifestation trip has been going on for a month today.
No expectations here and, as I told Peppermint Patty, I swore that I’d be
totally fine if you rejected me after I finally contacted you, that I’d
resigned myself to that possibility. I’m confident that it won’t end that way
but I’ve prepared myself for the worst.
You rejecting me is not the worst, though. Not finding you
would be the ultimate tragedy, dying with the nagging doubt that you’re still
in the world but were forever lost to me when I sent you that “I need to break
this off completely” email.
The last time I heard your voice, you greeted me with a
cheery, “Hi love!” and I immediately regretted taking the call. N was standing
right there and knew who was on my phone. After hastily getting you off the
phone, I endured her accusations and invective—all true and valid—before scurrying
off to work. I thought about calling you back but I was paranoid, certain N
would look at my phone records and see I’d called you after I promised I would
never contact you again. The next day (I was working a night shift at the
time), she allowed one more bit of correspondence—the fateful email I sent you.
And that was that.
Until now.
Obviously, things have changed between N and I since then
but it’s been on again/off again for far too many years. A recent essay said
those are the most toxic types of relationships and I can see that now.
Subsequent posts will give you the lowdown on the various yo-yo dynamics, there’s
too much to spell out in this post. However, I can say that I’m doing much
better out here in the middle of the desert. Can I attribute this manifesting
process for no longer getting up in the morning with severe stomach issues,
tremors, off-the-charts anxiety?
I know I’m back to writing, querying, trying to become an
author. That part of me died over a year ago and was no help with my anxiety
and low self-esteem. Perhaps having this purpose of manifesting you/us has led
to some kind of emotional healing from my trauma of my time with N.
Are you my savior?
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