Friday, September 8, 2023

And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain

I'm still puzzling out your life since 2013 and feel no wiser than when I first began. Short of actually manifesting you/us is the therapeutic aspect of this endeavor—I no longer suffer from the paralyzing fear of never finding you. Many times, I’d get caught up the loss of you and suffer full-blown panic attacks, it felt as though I was suffocating, paralyzed, a static particle frozen in spacetime while the universe rushed past me. For the most part, those moments of fear and dread have left me.

This manifestation trip has been going on for a month today. No expectations here and, as I told Peppermint Patty, I swore that I’d be totally fine if you rejected me after I finally contacted you, that I’d resigned myself to that possibility. I’m confident that it won’t end that way but I’ve prepared myself for the worst.

You rejecting me is not the worst, though. Not finding you would be the ultimate tragedy, dying with the nagging doubt that you’re still in the world but were forever lost to me when I sent you that “I need to break this off completely” email.

The last time I heard your voice, you greeted me with a cheery, “Hi love!” and I immediately regretted taking the call. N was standing right there and knew who was on my phone. After hastily getting you off the phone, I endured her accusations and invective—all true and valid—before scurrying off to work. I thought about calling you back but I was paranoid, certain N would look at my phone records and see I’d called you after I promised I would never contact you again. The next day (I was working a night shift at the time), she allowed one more bit of correspondence—the fateful email I sent you. And that was that.

Until now.

Obviously, things have changed between N and I since then but it’s been on again/off again for far too many years. A recent essay said those are the most toxic types of relationships and I can see that now. Subsequent posts will give you the lowdown on the various yo-yo dynamics, there’s too much to spell out in this post. However, I can say that I’m doing much better out here in the middle of the desert. Can I attribute this manifesting process for no longer getting up in the morning with severe stomach issues, tremors, off-the-charts anxiety?

I know I’m back to writing, querying, trying to become an author. That part of me died over a year ago and was no help with my anxiety and low self-esteem. Perhaps having this purpose of manifesting you/us has led to some kind of emotional healing from my trauma of my time with N.

Are you my savior?

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