Augustus Sol Invictus

Play this really, really loud for riders and then tell them you'll turn it down a notch for every

dollar they tip you.

I’ve been thinking about making this space to pimp for Florida’s Libertarian Party candidate for the US Senate. Augustus Sol Invictus, my new hero. I’m not throwing around my altar boy Latin, that’s the guy’s name, the one running for the Senate (his name should run for most sounding like the title of a Death Metal song). It means the Sun God will eat you in August or something. He walked from Florida to Arizona, apparently to find out why our news has become weirder than what’s happening in his festering bucket of batshit insanity.

Oh, he also sacrificed a goat and drank its blood. I assume he had God jerk the goat meat for him then kicked back with some Red Stripe and reggae. The goat must have been good with it and they called it assisted suicide (that being legal for goats in Florida) because he was never charged with anything. So, who wouldn’t vote for a guy with balls enough to kill a goddamned goat in his yard? It’s been too long since the US Capitol has seen a Senator strip naked and pour hot wax on himself.

Due to a couple of nights off during “Hot” times (high demand Friday/Saturday, not the weather, which has been civilized and nice enough to have riders request I keep the windows down), I ended up with my apps open for more than 14 hours on Sunday night. Drove my ass off I did, a couple of times needing to pull into a QT to gather back what ass I have to give. My behind carries enough cushioning to fill a ping pong ball so a few hours of back-to-back rides can get to be excruciating.

Quik Trip is popular with drivers and cabbies. As any driver will tell you, QT has it dialed in with a uniform store set up and serviceable, accessible bathrooms. Knowing a place to pee is important, day or night. Carrying around a piss jug is bound to deflate a driver’s ratings.

At about two hours before bar closing time, several of us were interspersed among the panhandlers in front of the QT, shaking out our sore asses, grabbing coffee and snacks, taking a piss stop. I had just lit up the cigarette I’d twisted when Tammy approached me, a driver from way back. After the usual “Slow tonight?” and other driver small talk, she had me befriending her on Facebook in order to get invites for a couple of ride-share driver groups.

Yet another grabass Internet jabberthon, I thought, as entertaining as the drag queen and her weird friend at four in the morning, dragging mud into the car and asking to stop at Jack’s 24-hour box, prattling on about rolling in the rain, the E she did still kicking in, while the weird friend remains stony, silent, sitting in the dark.

Like most groups it had the standard personality-type dynamic but there were some posts that were helpful, somewhat informative. No hacks for doubling fare amounts, no lurid Penthouse Forum exploits, no high-speed chases and flipping cars, unfortunately. I clicked a few likes and left after about five minutes, not terribly interested in app idiosyncrasies or the finer points of barf bags.

Some of the drivers posting there struck me as gung-ho to the degree of Kool-Aid drinkers. They say they’re making good money, good for them. I’m not hosting freaking High Tea in my car, they’re not getting free snacks and a baw-baw of water. There are only so many fucks I have to give during the day and a hungry, thirsty passenger isn't in the list I make for where those fucks are given.

One of the groups informed me that Lyft is hosting a pep rally tonight, the Kool-Aid served up in pink moustache cups.  Cash bar though, so it’s not like I’ll be showing up to slam a few shots and then hit the road to tell all my passengers how awesome it is to drive drunk for Lyft.

For Halloween, I might fill an empty Jack Daniels handle with tea and then swig on it while telling passengers, “You might have paid for the ride but the fun’s on me!” Have a toy pistol on the dash along with some ripped wanted posters with my picture on them.

Maybe have a goat in the car.

Tell them how about my new hero, how he, “renounced his citizenship in one paper, and in another he prophesied a great war, saying he would wander into the wilderness and return bearing revolution.” Then, offer them some Lyft Kool-Aid.