Friday, October 2, 2015

Even a baby understands the Second Amendment!

Jimi's guitar sounds like Lee Greenwood after getting kicked in the balls.

When developing a list of the most inefficient ways to kill someone (something that’s bound to happen while driving college kids around allnight), subjecting someone to random shark attacks on the beach or infants rank pretty high. I’m not talking about bashing someone to death with a baby (in no time in history have marauding hoards swooped in with bundles of joy) but just the little fuckers themselves, all big-eyed and adorable.

Breeding pestilence wherever they go, toddlers also cause home accidents at an alarming rate, what with people tripping over them when they could have been falling to their deaths attempting a selfie on the steps of the Taj Mahal. I have a theory babies cause old people to wander out in traffic by whispering suggestions in a frequency perceptible only to aged ears.

A crib is not for keeping them safe but is the little prison they’re sent to for plying with a lighter while hitting you with a blast of hair spray.

Put a gun in their hands (because handing a toddler a loaded weapon is always a fun way to pep up a family gathering) and our little angels of death are more lethal than terrorists. Unfortunately, banning infants is not the best strategy for the survival of our species.

Although terrorist must be pretty bummed at being bested by American babies (“USA! USA!”), they’re probably ecstatic knowing how awesome Americans are at killing each other. As President Obama pointed out in yesterday’s address on the UCCS mass killing, the number of Americans killed by guns this year towers over how many have been killed by terrorists.

Not even war can match the sheer American-killing power of gun ownership. As Nicholas Kristof wrote about in August, since 1968 more Americans have been killed by guns than in all the country’s wars. That includes the Civil War, the one in which Americans killing Americans was pretty much the point of the whole war thing. So, terrorists can feel a little better about themselves knowing that even war can’t compete with our propensity for shooting fellow citizens.

Basically, all terrorists have to do is wait until enough of us have been killed by American guns and then saunter in to show us how to really ban Planned Parenthood.

Hang tight, terrorists. Even with people like the Oregon shooter not exactly making the point for Second Amendment fetishists that, “Isn’t it great that we can have as many of whatever kinds of guns we want?” it’s just another existential moment in this country, one in a very long line, wherein “These crazy gun laws leads to appalling numbers of deaths,” soon becomes, “These crazy gun laws leads to the conclusion that there aren’t enough guns in America.” Trust me, it happens every time.

In the meantime, terrorists, you might want to switch tactics and advocate arming more babies.

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