Without you, without anything to look forward to, there are mornings when I think about hanging myself in my closet with the belt from my bathrobe or some rope from camping gear. My fear is that situation will look like autoertotic asphyxiation and getting off in my last moments is far from what I intended. On second thought, maybe that's how I should go out but y'know, a helluva legacy, dontchathink?
With mornings like that (it's not every morning, thankfully), I decided to dump the antidepressants I was prescribed. No antidepressant has eliminated suicidal ideation. They all make killing myself a preferred option. No pill has ever made me happy, they've only prolonged pain.
Males sometimes want to go beyond just ending it all, taking out wife and kids. Lacking wife and kids, incels tend to be the most lethal of all, walking into malls or theaters or restaurants then moving everyone down in the place. Usually they're counted among the dead, finally ending their miserable life after taking out ten or twenty people rather than just putting a bullet in their head.
Wow, this got dark. Nothing to do with you still not in my life, much life my bed, it's amazing where Natalie Goldberg takes me. Sex and death and screaming into the void about how fucked up our society is, how incredibly fucked everything is. Your light would brighten my own.
Still, I rant: Systemic racism isn't a bug of capitalism, it's a feature. Our planet is going to cook harder in the next decade and the only people cool with that are the people who made millions by turning up the heat. Returning to capitalism, it is incompatible with saving the planet.
Out here in the desert, my brain bakes, cooking up psychosis like a batch of nasty meth. My 3/6/9 reminds me of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" pages from The Shining, ISTG everyone dude out here looks like Trump's mug shot. We are the zombie apocalypse and we're just waiting for the missiles to turn the rest of the country into embers.
I remember you failure to thrive in Mexico but I wonder if we wouldn't be happy in Nicaragua or Costa Rica or just anywhere other than where a minority uses the courts to turn the US into a fascist country.
My theory about failing to find you is that you've already escaped our batshit insane nation. If so, good on you.
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